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TAO STUDY

Be a Partner

Survey the terrain ahead of you. To be a partner, first be yourself, the one you are. That is the first step. Affirm your dominant needs on the life stage you are in, and grow into a fully-fledged person (Rogerian term) by following up your genuine interests as they appear. That could be good. It is also venturesome. Learn to take care alongside it all. That is much needed too along the road of life.

Those you enjoy expressing yourself to or along with, and exchange thoughts and feelings of value with, may turn into prospective partners. The proverb: "Oh, go and get married," said the man, he saw the cat playing. What was he thinking of? It could very well be something of this kind:

Needles and pins,
Needles and pins,
When a man marries,
His trouble begins.

The rhyme says there may be marital difficulties. It was first collected by James Orchard Halliwell and published in 1843.

It happens that the marriage partner or life partner is a cause of troubles before and after the divorce. It happens. It is enough if just one wheel of the wheelbarrow squeks and breaks to make the whole wheelbarrow dysfunctional. Then what?

The fallen may not see far, face down in the mud. Consider the rather poor chances of having a happy, fulfilling married life in modern society: If half of all marriages end in divorce, the odds for getting divorced later, are fifty-fifty. (Wikipedia, "Divorce demography")

The statistics are helpful in that they show that many marriages flounder. Among those who remain married, many may not be happy and harmonious together. Very romantic notions connected to marriage, may be in for a bumpy ride.

Get to the figures for your country and find out how to bulwark better against such miseries while seeking to build for a good life. There are good remedies, including precautions, included attested prenuptials.

Learn to "go meta" in advance. You could probably do a lot worse than "going meta" before and during your partnership, in good time, that is.

"Going meta" signifies that one reflects cooly or comments above the situations to round up something that could be good for oneself. It is like looking at yourself and possibly yourself and your partner arguing - from above your head, so to speak. Thus you get a higher perspective, maybe a better understanding, and find a way out. That fits a guy better than getting down and out, actually. As John Lennon sings, "◦Nobody loves you when you're down and out." Just be warned that it could happen, and see what stress there comes with an average marriage - not to speak of what you get for loving a dysfunctional creep. It shows up in time. Then what?

In a fix? Ask for help from others. Some ask friends or comrades for advice, and get it, wise advice and otherwise. Companions' advice may give a perspective from outside the boxing ring, a ringside talk, as during a pause in an ugly boxing match. Some suggest that friendly advice is at times as good as professional counsels, and it does not cost too much, does not bring one into humiliation situations with others above oneself, getting the other wash dirty linens in a group, and so on and on. There is a bit of disempowerment in it, but if seeking help from professionals is the best one is able to do, maybe it will do.

There are many who want to see better what is going on, to get high up above the ring and look down on what is happening down there, and how the other maneuvres. Yes, some study and "go meta" (get metacognition, or higher, operative knowledge) in many fields or academic disciplines. And maybe you sense dangers ahead in a life with a troubled partner and realises, "And now the time has come for you." Maybe it is true too.

The best is not to give up and grow apathy. The lesson: Make the best of it if you are up to it. Resorting to a tall perspective is not everything, but that is what a marriage counsellor will help you with, if you stop fighting and will seek help together, or if not together: singly. And if not singly, read a good book about communicating, sharing quality time together, listening, and further. There are many books on counselling, also in clear language. (Evans 2007; Milne 2009)

You could learn some basics in listening to others, and basics in counselling, so that you have some suggestions to offer and see them through with skills that suit levels above monkeys.

Enjoy fresh air and being a partner too. To the degree you and your favoured partner manage to dance well together - figuratively at least - you should manage to keep at communicating. You may find it helps and eases the way for both to the degree you enjoy and practice things of value together.

A partner is someone you can rely on and trust duly, provided you rely on and trust yourself duly too. a partner helps inner and outer prosperity, even growth. Buddha has findings about true friends and false friends. What he says of true friends has transfer value to partners too. Besides, he stages roles for husband and wife and other relationships. You find them here: [Link]

Learn helpful counselling repertoire There is more to good counselling that nodding at intervals, saying "Hm" or "I'm listening", "I see" and so on where it seems appropriate while looking serious and so on.

Also, if you learn how to patch together your well selected statements from the following table-essay, you can try to advice yourself about being a partner too, as an auxilliary to Buddha's and Guru Dev's heartening counsel.

Here is an example of how to counsel yourself by patching:

To be a partner . . .
1. Try not to get much and quickly scared (of course)
2. Culture yourself to go on.
3. Remain willing to share and benefit from positive others, and from positive things throughout life.

In sum: To be a partner, try for fit culture for remaining somehow -

These much general directions need to be filled in by "how's" - Telling others just how to do feats like these are what some counsellors make a living from, and self-help books too. (Hough 2014; Feltham and Dryden 2006; Sutton and Stewart 2009; Taibbi 2009)

LoNew ideas really happen

We tend to be friendly, and therefore well.

We are very sensitive and emotional and really independent persons.

Individualists and free spirits (Sanskrit: muktas) like new things or are not so much scared by them.

We may not have many friends while we are young, and therefore we have to be careful not to say things that work against us.

Our minds can work in unique ways; our association patterns tend to become increasingly our own. (Buzan and Buzan 1995, 64-66; 2010:37-40) Buzan and Buzan 2010:64-66)

We will be able to hold our head high, even at times that are quite rough for the majority around.

Our minds grasp new ideas and concepts very quickly.

If something goes wrong in our lives, we may or may not take the necessary steps to make things right again.

We learn to become careful of our tendency to reflect other people's feelings, if it keeps us from being ourselves.

We must calm down and be a bit more accepting of life as it is, and enjoy studying science, technology and other subjects. And to go ahead with tidy and accurate measures is probably fit for most part.

Some hope to be able to pretend or feigh, but in the long run it easily deteriorates into hypocrisy.

Idealists are looking for something to idealize.

LoCertain restrictions push creativity towards higher levels

It can be important to us to mobilise a large part of our image of ourselves.

As extremely independent persons we have a need to be loved and supported no matter what we do and who we are.

Our culturing of ourselves or our children needs to be really fun.

We do not try to push others around, but may be adamant in being allowed to do things our own ways.

We quickly rise to influence those around us, for our personality has such an impact.

We are smart rebels with skills in such as yoga, since we may enjoy a mystery which is true.

Being very high-energy persons, we are good at grasping how other people feel and how they react.

One is to remove (such) injuries (to one's health) in order to go on. (4).

Beyond the Self there is nothing to know. Agree?

Looking at matters logically we reach a higher level of understanding than most people in careers in investigation, and understanding of human behaviour.

Emotional insecurity can make us feel that we don't belong anywhere or to anyone.

LoLearn from experience so as to make the best out if it

We think it is best to adhere to the likable and worthy beauties of creation.

In making objects of one sort or another, we have excellent taste, although very reserved, and we like everything to be both graceful and practical.

As for religious, spiritual and cultural values we may be quite iconoclastic as we progress through life.

In nature, mammals too are born with innate capabilities, in part for founding families and raising their young in many ways. If our family-forming and family-keeping resources are robbed in a big way, there may be dangers ahead for us.

The main thing is to understand ourselves: Good life can give us quite a bit, but we must learn to live within many limitations.

We are willing to share a lot with those we like.

Proper measure in most things could make our children very proud of us and maybe proud of being too.

To get a great deal of help from others, especially women, should be very positive. (6) MM

Beauty is as an indication of order in the universe. And we will usually appreciate art.

"He alone obtains liberation who with detachment frees himself." - Ramana Maharsi.

If we value persons according to their incomes and careers, we may succeed in getting positions. This may be what makes the most sense for free spirits that enjoy innovations when it comes to "doing very well".

Our understanding of what must be done and how to do it will get sharper in time, so we should be able to accomplish a great deal for ourselves and others.

One is to remove what is injurious, treating it decently and make the necessarily adjustments on top of that again.

Get and accomplish till you are well off. Then give. That is the Way.

We are attracted to new ideas, and may end up uplifedly attracted to astrology.

We have other aspects of self-discipline to tend to than mere congruence.

We may move so fast that we must learn to set our own standards and follow our own goals, and also teach ourselves some essential self-discipline, such as celebrating things well and deep and long enough.

Basically, true and real confidence shows up by our working best by ourselves, and taking deep, realistic responsibility as needs be. (7)

Astounding sense of foresight helps us act realistically too.

We may be reluctant to leave a comfortable situation and go out to get some work done.

Gist

IN SUM
  1. New ideas really happen - there often appears something new under the sun.
  2. Certain restrictions push creativity towards higher levels.
  3. Learn from experience so as to make the best out if it.

IN NUCE Many new ideas try to make something good out of restrictions.

Collection

Partner-side, Literature  

Buzan, Tony, with Barry Buzan. The Mind Map Book. Rev. ed. London: BBC Books, 1995.

Buzan, Tony, and Barry Buzan. The Mind Map Book: Unlock Your Creativity, Boost Your Memory, Change Your Life. Harlow: BBC Active / Pearson, 2010.

Evans, Gail. Counselling Skills for Dummies. Chichester, West Sussex: John Wiley, 2007.

Feltham, Colin, and Windy Dryden. Brief Counselling: A Practical Integrative Approach. 2nd ed. Maidenhead, Berkshire: Open University Press, 2006.

Hough, Margaret. Counselling Skills and Theory. 4th ed. London: Hodder Education, 2014.

Milne, Aileen. Understand Counselling. London: Teach Yourself /Hodder Education, 2010.

Sutton, Jan, and William Stewart. Learning to Counsel: Develop the Skills, Insight and Knowledge to Counsel Others. 3rd ed. Oxford: How To Books, 2009.

Taibbi, Robert. Doing Couple Therapy: Craft and Creativity in Work with Intimate Partners. New York: The Guilford Press, 2009.

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